Saturday, 10 January 2009

Postcard from Earth (6: celibacy)

Dear Pater,

Sorry not to have been in touch sooner; mostly I have been doing carpentry and growing up.

On which matter, growing up that is, not carpentry, I have the following observation to make. There should be a user manual for these monkey bodies.

For a start, there is the quaint habit of walking on the back legs in a body design that is clearly quadruped. I mean, for goodness sakes, it took me the best part of two years to learn this trick. And there isn't a tail to balance with or anything.

Then there is the practice of wearing the genitals outside the body. Inconvenient or what? And speaking of which, why is it that parts of these bodies, and those parts in particular, seem to have a mind of their own and not do the bidding of the central nervous system?

Reproduction itself is a trifle quaint and seems to involve the direct introjection of genetic material into the other party. At least it seems that way to me, though no one is very forthcoming when probed. Whoops, that doesn't sound quite right, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

That said, one or two local lasses have discretely hinted that they would be happy to help me in my researches. I was quite interested since I gather that there is a recreational element to the whole thing, but the Ghost has absolutely and completely prohibited same.

For why? It appears, and I quote, that I am "a walking meiotic disaster zone".

Naturally I pressed for something a bit more useful than this, and the Ghost was, for once, explicit, if brief. It has to do with the gene cloning and splicing that he was required to do to manage the virgin birth thingy. It seems it was a complete lash-up, a botch, though this is my description, not his. The upshot is that my genes are NOT to be dumped into the local pool unless I want everyone to sprout armpits and glow in the dark.

However, there is a carrot that goes with the stick, and it is a clever invention called celibacy.

What the Ghost says is that some folks voluntarily forswear this introjection thing and live life on "a higher plane". Turns out that other folk think rather well of them etc etc and it's quite a useful credential to have if one plans to be a holy man blahdy blah.

Well truth is that carpentry is a bit samey, so I'd like to keep my options open ref future occupations. More on this later.

Anyway, that's all for now,
Love to Mama.

PS - I don't think that Mama will be all that interested in the introjection discussion. Just my opinion.


Pauline said...

There is a little Yahoo icon that rolls on the floor laughing and pounding his fists. That's me at this point. The boy doesn't think Mama will be interested in the introjection discussion? At the risk of making a pun, OMG!

It's delightful to find someone who dares to be as irreverent about all this as I feel.

Miranda said...


Ernest de Cugnac said...

pauline - thanks; I like to raise a smile! I guess it is irreverent but the strange thing is that I write as I feel it would be, if one was actually there.

Miranda - and a big smile to you too.

Millennium Housewife said...

That was brilliant earnest, who was it that said having a male libido is like being chained to a mad man? Can't remember, but it does make me admire the ones who choose to abstein....Happy New Year to you and yours MH x

Ernest de Cugnac said...

mh - I can identify with that saying, plenty. Also that "to be male is to have a personality disorder"

Sheena said...

Discovered this blog three days ago. I am hooked and and keep telling my co-workers and sisters they need to tune in.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.