Entry 22: in which I meet Metratron and am rightly dismayed

Well, I scarcely know where to begin. Omnipresent I may be, but omniattentive I clearly am not. Take your eye off the ball for 65 million years and see what happens?

Turns out that the splendid collection of reptiles I have been admiring are gone, wiped out by a meteorite. And been replaced by a bunch of hairy-arsed monkeys. Quite extraordinary.

Oh it's not all doom and gloom. There were survivors and they are running around now in the guise of birds, and especially chickens. You only have to look at their scaly legs and the classic three-toed stance to see that. But talk about opportunism! Who would have believed that those insignificant beetle chrunching shrews would have ended up running the place?

I should explain that all this emerged thanks to a not entirely welcome visit from Lucifer and A.N. Other. By appearances an archangel, but not one that I've ever clapped eyes on.

"I'd like to introduce Metatron" says Lucy.

Well perhaps he would, but whether I want to receive him is quite another matter. I don't like the look of him one little bit. A stare like chilled water. And that's another thing. Most entities in The Realm don't stare at me. He does. Clearly not one of us.

Anyway, I buttonhole Lucy and hiss at him "Who is this wretch and where is he from?"

"Well", says Lucy, "he says he's from Earth and that he used to someone called Enoch".

"And Earth is ...?" I ask, sotto voce you understand, while fixing a beady on Mr Metatron who is kicking his heels in the middle distance.

And this is when he delivers his bombshell, about Reptile Planet, the meteorite and all that. Turns out that the monkeys have learnt to speak and call the planet "Earth" because that's what it's made of (they're a literal lot it seems).

Well that's as may be, but one thing I do know is that nothing from the Universe has simply strolled into The Realm before, because, as I've been explaining to the lad, this dimension simply doesn't exist there. Something stinks and it isn't me.

Entry 11: in which we have a dull meeting

Had the meeting which, as usual, was as dull as ditchwater. I’m sure Mrs G is a stakeholder but she never puts in an appearance. Signs of intelligence after all.

The archangels are the vainest things in creation and spend most of the time whispering to each other behind their hands. About what? Does my bum look big in this? In my capacity as Chair I glower suitably and they look as guilty as poo, then they start at it again!

Only one item on the agenda (again) which is the interventionist vs non-interventionist one. I mean it’s a complete no-brainer. Set up your natural laws and let the universe rip is my advice to all and sundry. The moment you intervene you’re stuffed. You’ll be doing nothing else till the big collapse.

Of course you always get an archangel coming in with the “What if a wee sentient being was about to be crushed by a falling rock” argument. To which my answer is “Strawberry jam”. This has the whole bunch of them, cherubs too, looking like a wet Wednesday and more whispering behind hands ensues.

The point is I’ve been here before. The moment you intervene you set up a string of unintended consequences that require yet more intervention and before you know it you have a circle of quite untameable ferocity.

Surprised to find both Lucifer and the Ghost backing me on this one. The boy, who I can usually count on for support, was nowhere to be seen. And no apologies for absence either.

Entry 9: in which stakeholders are introduced

Mrs G tells me that there is to be a stakeholders meeting. Why am I always the last to find out about these things? Fortunately there are not too many stakeholders, though of course when you’re dealing with pan-dimensional entities number becomes a rather slippery concept.

I suppose I should introduce them, my cast of characters as it were. Well, there’s the boy, of course, though he shows even less interest than I do, various archangels including Kemuel, Nathanael, Gabriel, and Lucifer (more of him later), and the thing I call the Ghost because I’m absolutely buggered if I know what it is or what it does. Then you've got your minor players, cherubs and so on. And Mrs God of course, bless her.

In theory, but not, in my opinion, in practice, the stakeholders are all on the same side, which is to say the side of running the whole show smoothly, but if there aren’t factions then I’m a monkey’s uncle. Lucifer’s a complete arse – far too clever and smooth for my liking. Always showers Mrs G with complements, what a lovely blouse, that sort of thing. She simpers away, laps it all up completely uncritically.

She has no blouse, so how can it be lovely? She says that’s not the point and I could learn a thing or two about manners from him. Fat chance.