Entry 33: in which Mrs God is totally unreasonable

Well the Ghost and the lad have disappeared, last known sighting headed in the direction of a piddling planet called Earth. At least the Ghost has enough sense to get this crazy adventure off to a good start, but once the lad goes solo who knows what will happen? Actually I do - only metaphorically you understand; I don't fancy a peak into the future on this occasion any more than I usually do.

Found Mrs G immersed in Do Soak You, brow somewhat furrowed as she wrestled with rows and columns, doing something cerebral, but not sure what exactly. If you follow this journal on a regular basis you will know that Do Soak You and I are strangers to one other.

Chose my moment to tell her that the lad has gone AWOL only to reap a torrent of most unreasonable abuse. Was I crazy? Didn't I know what was likely to happen? Who would tuck him in at night? If I had given it a moment's thought I would have known she would not approve etc etc.

Well, for Pete's sake, I'm not a sodding telepath ... well actually I am but that's not the point. Probing the recesses of Mrs G's mind is not a task to be undertaken lightly, or for those delicately constituted (as I am).

In vain did I point out he's old enough to know what he's doing, that the Ghost is riding shotgun etc. No, I am officially a complete arse! Somewhat stung by this, but since Mrs G is clearly temporarily unhinged have decided not to take offense. Be magnanimous, that sort of thing.

Get him back? How exactly? He's probably already a blastocyst. Anyway, will have to wait for the Ghost to report back before any kind of corrective action can be contemplated.

Ah, who knows. Maybe they strayed? Got distracted? Lost their way?

I should be so lucky.

Entry 32: in which I learn more and less than I want to

Found Gabriel surrounded by the chattering classes, viz., Cherubim. I am getting quite paranoid about the little sods. Whenever I arrive, two things happen. First, the chattering ceases - for which one could be grateful - but which makes one feel that they have been talking about one. Second they rather melt away, much like snowflakes on a hot spade. Well I say that, but what kind of idiot stands around in a snowstorm with a hot spade?

However spades, hot or cold, are not the point, neither are snowflakes. Where was I? Oh yes, well in a minute or two Gabriel and I pretty well had the space to ourselves, and by way of making polite conversation I asked him to run this Do Soak You thing past me.

Big mistake. Ere long I was thoroughly double glazed but having opened the spigot he seemed loath to close it and the torrent of numerology just kept washing over me.

In an effort to stem the flow asked Gabby if he had seen anything of the Meta creature, but no.

Strange.

Entry 31: in which I leave well enough alone

Found Mrs G humming to herself and completely immersed in a number game invented, it appears, by Gabriel. Called 'Do Soak You' or some such rum title. All the rage in the Realm. Don't they have anything better to do?

Anyway, tiptoed away. No need to disturb her equilibrium. Might just go and have a friendly with Gabriel.

Entry 30: in which I brief the Ghost

Strange cove, the Ghost. Doesn't say a lot; in fact I'm hard pressed, now that I think about it, to know if I've ever heard it utter a word. Very slippery, dimensionally speaking. Of all of us it flits too and fro with minimal effort. It's a capable little thing and friendly too.

"So this is the deal" I say, "accompany the lad to Earth so that he does actually find it and achieve the following:
- find a quiet illiterate carrier who won't make a fuss
- clone as a male
- no bells, whistles, alarums etc. Strictly low key stuff
- leave again"

It signified assent in that strange way it does and off it went in search of the boy. I went in search of Mrs G to see if she has any inkling of this mad caper yet.

Entry 29: in which the boy plans his earthly excursion

Now those who follow this journal will know that when it comes to entities I admire and respect, Mrs G is right up there in the vanguard. I seek her counsel at every opportunity, bounce ideas off her, test my theories, spin some philosophy and prototype my jokes.

Curiously she often maintains a silence during these intellectual meanderings, but it matters little. The important thing is her empathy and support. This may not be explicitly proffered but is, I am certain, always there.

However on the matter of the boy and his penchant for celestial excursions I prefer to stay silent. He knows his own mind; or at least I am charitable enough to believe so, and I think it better that he get on with it rather than worry his mother to no avail.

We had a long discussion about the particular form he will take on Earth. Given that he wishes his stay to be of some duration, he has opted to take on human form. I insisted that he go the cloning route as the one least suspect from the ethical standpoint.

"But Pater" he objected "is it not the female monkeys who bear the young?"

"Your point being ... ?"

"Well doesn't that mean I'd be a girlie too?"

"Your point being ... ?"

"Well Lucy's told me all about what being a girl entails on that planet and ... " He broke off going pink and pale by turns. "I'm simply not having it! There are fluids involved and cavities and things and, well it sounds absolutely horrid and far too biological for my liking. I want to be a boy".

Not having it? This is so tiresome! I mean who does he think he is?

"You'll have to take the Ghost with you then. He'll do the necessary gene splicing, but don't blame me if you end up with two heads".

"Oh thank you Pater, you are a darling" and off he skipped in search of the ghost. A darling? That boy worries me sometimes.

"There are rules" I called after his rapidly diminishing form, but he chose not to hear me. Never mind, I'll nobble the Ghost.

And how curious that, contrary to their beliefs, instead of them being made in my image, one of us is about to be made in theirs.

Entry 28: on making an appearance, elsewhere

I think I have explained that dimension shifting is not as easy as it looks. Well, it's not exactly difficult, just unpredictable. Essentially the way in which one intersects another dimension will determine how one looks. Given that one is already a complex hyper-entity, the possibilities are legion.

Let me illustrate with an example. Suppose that a common or garden elephant, a simple 3D one, is intersected by a 2D plane. You could get something like this, not the elephant you were expecting. You would scarcely expect simple Tooties to work out from six ellipses what the original creature looks like - or even that they are dealing with one entity rather than many.

So visiting places in the universe, as oneself, is usually not on (though it can be entertaining).

Here are the methods that I find best:

1. Create a simple particle cloud in the shape of the entity you wish to project. This is not difficult, generally using dust and static electricity will do. There are a few problems. The dust cloud, though dense, can be somewhat transparent giving rise to reports of ghostly sightings and so on. If the static discharges too quickly the whole thing disintegrates giving rise to a pile of dust, considerable alarm and reports of ghostly sightings (again). The colour can be difficult to get right. But, for cheap and cheerful, you can't beat it.
2. More difficult is to assemble the actual molecules of which the creature would be composed. OK, you need an outrageous number of them but at least you get weak nuclear forces working in your favour, and if you get the mix right, it will actually start functioning correctly in a biochemical sense. I say if you get it right, but that's easier said than done because of particle uncertainty. The whole thing can go sludgy and make a very bad mess of someone's carpet. Spontaneous combustion is another side effect giving rise to more alurums and rumour.
3. I'll group these two together because they are quite close. The first is to exercise mind-control over an existing entity, so it will do your work for you. The second is to just hijack the biological computer for a while and drive the entity. The effects are similar, but the second method is better for a protracted project. Downside of both is a high incidence of schizophrenia afterwards, especially for the mind control lot. I mean, they can say "they made me do it" till they are blue in the face, but no one believes them.
4. Best of all for any long term work is to either take over an embryo or to clone one. Then get on with the project for the natural life term of the entity concerned. Personally I think that taking an embryo over is ethically very suspect. I generally insist on cloning from a germ cell that was never going to be fertilised anyway, and use that.

My reasons for dwelling on these is the boy. He's got itchy feet again, and what with Metatron's visit and all, he's hot to trot and it's Earth that's in his sights. He has a very short memory, that lad. I cannot think of one of his excursions that has not ended exquisitely badly, but he always thinks it will be better next time.

"Pater, they sound so quaint, I think I'm going to love them".

Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Entry 27: on the paradox of seeing the future

I sometimes wonder if this omnipotence thing is all it's cracked up to be. Yes, it's important for my street cred, but after that?

Let me give you an example. Seeing the future. Sounds useful? Not as much as you might think.

Consider the case of a man standing under an apple tree. Let's say he can see one minute into the future and he sees that in a minute from now an apple is going to fall on his head.

He doesn't like the idea of this so he steps to the side and a minute later the apple falls harmlessly to the ground just where he had been standing.

So just what future was the man seeing? He saw an apple was to fall on his head. Actually, the apple did not fall on his head, because he stepped aside, so how come he did not see that future instead?

But then, if he had seen that future, he would not have stepped aside, and so the apple would have hit him on the head after all. So whichever future he sees, it tends to be the opposite to the future that actually unfolds.

I fear that simply by knowing the future you tend to change it. Or even worse both futures now co-exist, each in its own different time-line and you have actually caused a parallel universe to come to into existence.

These reflections brought on by the lad planning a spot of space tourism and wanting to know how it will turn out. "Badly" is the answer, and I don't need to peek into the future to know that.

More on this soon, when I am feeling less rattled.

Entry 26: in which One is a monkey, apparently

Well the Metatronic social event has come and gone, thanks be. Mrs G all in a twitter, straightening this, tidying that. Felt like reminding her that he's "only" an archangel, but didn't want to push my luck. She laments the shortage of good company.

He arrived bearing a bunch of flowering things, showers of compliments, could have given Lucy a run for his money. Mrs G quite aglow with it all, as per.

Even the lad turned up, and decided to sit in on it.

Actually I was quite interested to get the goss straight from the horse's mouth as it were. Turns out that the denizens of Earth are quite religious just as Lucy predicted eons ago. Mostly multiple gods, which I personally think is a good thing, but a few religions promoting the idea of one "true" god which is far more worrying.

Now I know what you're thinking - why wouldn't a deity like me be pleased with one-true-god type religion? OK, let's back up a bit. Suppose we had a religious tradition of sun god and a moon god. Well strictly speaking I'm neither of those. So if in this tradition they decided to ditch the sun god and keep the moon god as the one true god, that would not automatically be me would it?

Here's another thing I've often noticed. Neighbours who have lots of gods to go around don't generally quarrel over them. But when those same neighbours each have one true god, look out. You can't say knife before they start ramming their true gods down each other's throats.

I digress.

Metatron also told me that some earthlings believe that I have made them, and I quote, "in my own image". The utter cosmic arrogance implicit in this quite took my breath away. I asked him to take a close look at me and then tell me which part of me looks like a naked ape. He had to admit that there was no part of me that looks much like a naked ape, or even like a hyper-ape.

Tore off in a fury to show the bloody earthlings what I do look like but only succeed in setting a bush on fire and scaring the crap out of a local called Moses.

This put me in good humour which evaporated as soon as I remembered where I should be. Returned at once to a slightly frosty Mrs G who said that Metatron had made his excuses and left shortly thereafter and did I have any inkling how rude I had been?

Tempting to say "Yes, but am I bothered?". Well tempting for all of 2 milliseconds, then sanity returned. I looked suitably contrite instead.

Monkey eh? But then again, am I bothered?

Entry 25: in which Lucifer is obsessed by fornication

Twiddling my thumbs when Lucy hoves into view. As always it is perfectly apparent that, despite a contrived casualness, he has something on his mind.

After a bit of round the houses he gets down to it.

"Look", he says, "I'm not altogether happy about what's happening on Earth".

Did my best not to explode and more or less succeeded. Earth this, Earth that, Earth the other. For Pete's sake, enough is enough. That swine Metatron has a lot to answer for.

"Lucy ..." I begin, but for once he cuts across me.

"No, no, I think you need to hear this. I'm not sure how to put say it, but, well, the fact is that some of them have been fornicating".

I simply stared.

"You know, doing it". Pause. "With each other".

"Lucy", I say, "which part of self replication don't you understand?"

Now it's his turn to stare.

"That's what they do" I continue. "They make copies of each other. And they do it by swapping genetic material. Generally by inserting bits of themselves into one another. Now you can call it fornication if you like, and clearly you do, but they've being doing 'it', as you so quaintly put it, since the first molecules starting dividing in the primordial soup."

"Don't you think they should, well you know, be punished?"

"Good grief - for what? It's completely self evident that the only things left on the planet are there because they self-replicate. Anything that didn't, isn't".

I felt like adding "Duh" but thought that would be a bit mean. Where oh where is this self-righteous twaddle coming from? As though I didn't know. On cue:

"Well Enoch says ..."

"Look Lucy, thanks and all that, but the fact is I've got these, er, universe type things I've got to get on with. Lot's of quantum irregularities, that sort of thing. But another time? Great!"

And I disappear faster than an imploding singularity.

Entry 24: in which One is confronted with the madness of crowds

Well sod me, that's all I can say.

Locate one miserable galaxy in a dusty and far flung corner of the universe. In that miserable galaxy, find one star out of 100,000,000,000 other stars. Around that miserable star, locate a few bits of rock in orbit. Or more specifically find the 3rd one out from the sun (sounds familiar, somehow?). Anyway, find the 3rd bleeding rock and call the sodding thing Earth.

Now I ask you, could you possibly, in your wildest dreams, think of anything less significant? Exactly!

So why, for the love of me, is everyone getting so excited about it? The cherubim, as fickle as ... well metaphors fail me for the moment, but that's not the point, suddenly Silicon Planet with it's poor little silicon creatures being melted into glass is passé. Today, the winner of Adopt a Planet is, yes, you guessed it, Earth.

And why? Because of the arrival of one Metatron, aka Enoch. Whose fetching up on these shores is highly suspect.

Mrs God has proved to be no more resilient than the rest, sadly, so flavour of the epoch will be coming round for a spot of social. That's good - Enoch the Epoch. Will have to keep that to myself or risk a scolding. Mrs G has specifically asked me to "behave myself".

As though I am ever anything other than sweetness and light.